A couple weeks ago Morales and I saw The Grand Budapest Hotel. Eeeeeeeeeeee. I say this every time I see anything from Wes Anderson, but it’s just SO MAGICAL. Everything he does is candy to my eyes. I want to only be around people that understand how important color is. I want to only be around people that can bring that sort of color into my life. I’m gonna put screenshots all through this post, just because his use of color makes me feel so affected. Totally unrelated imagery is completely acceptable when I’m making my own rules!
I asked for this. I took a nicely wrapped package full of thoughts about what I wanted most out of life and sent it up into the atmosphere and the universe took it and said, “Well let’s see what we can do for you.” If my personal alternative were to become true – if I suddenly became the type of person that was always surrounded by romantic happy endings but struggled to find career fulfillment or talent in anything, I know I’d be completely miserable. I never wanted to get married and have kids (I still don’t). I wanted to do something creative every day and I wanted to travel. So that’s what I’m doin. I should be thanking life for being so good to me. And I am. I think I just had a brief rough patch, that’s all.
A few months ago I found myself surrounded by a whole lot of feelings for someone. It happened very quickly and to a surprising extent considering the small amount of time that it was A Real Thing. There was more chemistry there than I had felt in years – possibly ever. It felt easy; it felt like home. Letting go of that crushed me. I’m always pretty bad with goodbyes of any sort, but I think I handled this one especially poorly. Instead of falling back on friends or my family, I retreated because I felt like everyone was sick of listening to me or that no one would take me seriously if I showed how upset it actually made me. I talked to very few people, and when I did talk to my friends, I purposely talked about other things (Except for Rhiannon, who basically listened to a CD of my feelings on repeat for 400 hours straight SORRY! And also thankyouthankyouthankyou!) which made me feel about 500% worse, which seems like an obvious conclusion, but you know, I ALWAYS need to learn the hard way, sooo…
I feel free from it now, and it’s great to have the breathing room. But if you asked me to trade the breathing room for one more day, my answer would be hell yeah. Still waiting/hoping for that part to go away.
What’s really worth mentioning here is the fact that it made me want to be so good. I wanted to be good to him. I don’t think I’ve ever felt that before? I know it’s terrible, but I am 27 years old, with a couple serious relationships under my belt, and I have never thought that for anyone else. Think of that what you will. I’ve only been concerned with how a person could make me feel, and this made me think, “well I’ve got what I need, I’m good, what about you?“ It has nothing to do with depth or length of feelings, either. I think I would’ve felt it even if nothing had ever happened. I noticed it very early on. It’s just human chemistry. People so rarely feel that right that when they do, I go way overboard trying to keep them in my pocket so they don’t leave. People always leave. I always leave too.
I suppose my point is that I’ve spent the majority of 2014 regrouping and only allowing myself to do things that I know will make me happy. I think I went through half a Moleskine in 3 weeks because sketching and drawing felt so good. I just paid a fuckton of money for taxes and won’t be able to afford a damn thing for the rest of the year, but I’m going to London anyway because I know it needs to happen. I’m finally making myself a portfolio for all the things I’ve drawn and designed over the past year and will start selling prints/possibly originals when that’s finished. I’m watching the TV shows and listening to the music that make me laugh and feel good. I walked to the park last weekend and spent Saturday in the grass, reading Lolita, and it felt so good that I think I’ll do it again this weekend. I cut back quite a bit on the frequency of my drunken nights, not just because I can’t afford it but because the hangovers the next day are never worth it. And it’s sad to say, but some people just have to go. In real life. Also online. Every day I find myself following fewer of the people I know in real life. I look to social media, especially Instagram, for visual inspiration, so clearing out the clutter of people who don’t use it in the same way makes me feel really good. It’s such a small thing, but it makes such a huge impact on my day, ya know? NNNOISE.